onsdag 21 januari 2009

I met mom

Something breathtaking happened to me today, an oppurtunity showed up that I have been waiting for, for years.

Me and a friend were strolling around the supermarket in a nearby town when I suddenly spot my mother two iles down. You all know who I feel about her and what she has done to me, her lack of love and cold black eyes. I had not seen her for about 6 years I think but she looked the same; thin, curly hair, glasses, sparkling jeans. At first I froze, grabbed my friend by the arm and said: "mom is here", "mom is here". I hid behind one of the shelfs, I didn't feel ready to face her. The fear I felt at that point made me tremble.

And then It came to me: WHY should I hide? I have been hiding out of fear for the last 20 years, fearing that the sight of her would cause a complete breakdown. I have NOT done anything wrong, she left me not the opposite.

I decided to face her and meet this lifelong fear of mine. I walked up to her and when she saw me she froze. At first I thought she would walk away but she had nowhere to hide. She saw who I was, I didn't think she would but I was wrong. "Hi", she said with her eyes on everything but my own. "Hi, mom", I replied.

I saw panic in her eyes, fear, despair. There I was, looking straight at her, waiting for kind word or at least a hug. Nothing came, just silence.

Her husband was also quiet, not a word, his eyes was filled with hate, like I had ruined everything just by running in to them.

I left them standing there, with their eyes big as canonballs. I was the last person they ever thought they would run in to but how wrong they were. God was on my side today.

They have ignored my existence for so long, moved on with their lives, put three new children to the world as if to forget all about me but I have not forgotten.

I hope she saw the disapointment in my eyes, and how she has failed completely when it comes to motherhood. I hope she saw my pain, the pain SHE has caused. I hope she felt it, every unse of it too.

13 kommentarer:

Carrie Hayes sa...

Isnt it sad that the ones we should be closest to are the ones who hurt us the most! Im glad you were strong enough to face such pain!

Ida sa...

Thank you, Carrie!

Pearl sa...

oh my goodness ida. ohhh my goodness. how funny that we were just talking about her yesterday.

i'm glad that you did not hide. i'm SO glad that you're facing your fears. this is going to help you move on SO much more, and hopefully make her realize just how much she has missed out on all these years.

*hugs*

can't wait to chat with you again!

Mary Sue sa...

Du är stark, och en vacker dag (när det är meningen att hända) kommer du att bli en väldigt bra mamma. Känslosam, självständig, godhjärtad och ödmjuk inför världen. Inte på grund av hur din mamma betett sig och hur det format dig utan för att du är född till att bli en av de bästa, punkt slut!

Walker sa...

I set up the first meeting ever with my father in July, he 84, me 63. I kept it very short. We look alike. It was pleasant. My half sister had flown in to meet me too. She and I have become friends via email. It's good to love and be loved. Life makes me laugh sometimes. I wish for you happiness Ida.

Suzanne Rowley sa...

Oh Ida, how brave you were. There were tears as I read this - I don't understand how a parent can abandon a child & I'm guessing you feel the same way too. May God have pitty on her. Good on you Ida for being so courageous.

Ida sa...

Thank you all for your kind words.

Walker: thank you for sharing your own meeting and I hope that seeing your father gave you peace.

Mary Sue: Your words brought tears to my eyes, thank you dear friend.

Pearl: You are so wise, can't believe that the talked about mom just the day before, maybe all this happened for a reason. I too look forward to talking with you again!

Susanne:I believe that God must have pitty on her and if he doesn't, I do. I pitty her.

HUGS to all of you :) and thank you for being here

omami sa...

Ida this a true sad story, but I can see the pain that you endure every day... You seem like a lovely girl... I think your stronger then you think!!

hugs x x x

C. Bowie Photography sa...

Wow.. My wife has not seen her father in 11 years. I tried to work their relationship out 11 years ago and went to his house to visit. He basically blamed me for his poor fatherhood and threatened to kill me if I didn't leave his property.

He has never seen his two beautiful grand daughters (11 and 9). What a waste.

Jane sa...

I am so happy that you didn't run and hide but faced her! Don't be fooled by her. I know there has to be a place in her heart where she aches for you, even if she refuses to let it out into the world. I just can't believe that she could be cold through and through to her own flesh and blood.

Fym sa...

Hi Ida. I feel proud for your courage to face your fears. Keep on moving and live well. :-)

Claire sa...

Ida I am so sorry that I am only writing now. I was in an accident.

Your words speak of hurt that ravines deeply inside of you. It is evident that there is still so much that you need to work through. Rejection is the hardest form of pain. It even transcend the pain that death cause because the other party still lives on, despite the rejection they have caused.

Ida please take your pain to God. Please allow Him to heal you. He promises healing. Alone in Him will you find it.

My prayers are yours.
Love,
C

PJ sa...

Ida, that was absolutely the bravest thing. I can't tell you how moved I am, especially since you're such a sweet and loving woman despite the situation with your mother. Sharing a moment like that is another gift you've given me.